unfaithfulheart

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day 7 : DIARY

November 18, 2009

111809@1:31am

it might be a surprise to you, but i have a PRIVATE diary.. there, i put everything in.. names.. dates.. even the nitty gritty stuff that happens or passes through my mind at the time of writing..

and HE has the nerve to read it.. even smiling sheepishly when he told me he read my diary.. can i say asshole?!?! yeah.. i think i’m allowed to say that here..

guess he’s trying to find out why i don’t wanna sleep with him..

too bad, he didn’t find the right date or page where i listed down the “requirements” one would have to be able to have sex with me..

a little disappointed because in missing the page, he missed the “hot spots” and “right moves” and “smooth words” he could use to make me salivate.. okay, salivate is a very very strong word.. but it’s not an exageration..

again, little diappointment, but majorly mad i could rip his eyes out..

yeah, i tell the world my dirty works.. (but i still try to be a little sensitive for those who care to read.. hahaha.. and i know there’s none.. so why do i worry?!?!)

heart

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DAY 6 : Sex

November 17, 2009

keep on begging.. you won’t get it..

when i tell you NO, it doesn’t mean try harder.. i meant, Get The Fuck Off of My Fucking Bed and Fucking Leave Me the Fuck Alone..

that’s a lot of F-word..

i don’t have sex with someone who won’t kiss me.. that is one of the few requirement i have for me to have sex with someone..

i’m not a whore and my mouth is clean.. i brush my teeth, i rinse and gargle with mouthwash.. and my mouth hadn’t been on soooo many dirty dicks.. okay?!?! so if you won’t kiss me, sorry.. i won’t let you in between my pants..

with that said, i’ll go lock my doors and watch porn.. or make one.. or just sleep..

naughty me..

heart

Posted by unfaithfulheart at 4:05 am | permalink | Add comment

Day 5 : Horoscope

November 16, 2009

111509@3:18am

had time to read my horoscope.. said i am to expect smoething real bad.. hahaha.. expect something bad?!?! i must be reading yesterday’s paper.. or last week’s for that matter..

i’m in hell.. there is nothing worse than being in my reality now..

tired.. time to sleep, if sleep will come..

wish people will just let me be.. stop asking.. stop worrying.. stop pretending they care..

just stop.

heart

Posted by unfaithfulheart at 3:20 am | permalink | Add comment

DAY 4 : TACT (less)

November 14, 2009

111209@4:49pm

is there any other reason why i am still breathing?!?! other than bringing joy to those who torment me.. or to those who pity me..

distance.. nothing left to do but this.. creating a new mask.. slaughter, death, angst, pain.. these is what this mask will represent..

word of the the day, TACT.. a keen sense of what to do or say in order to maintain good relations with others or avoid offense.. or in simple terms, BE SENSITIVE..

yet some forget how.. i understand these people.. they’re happy.. who cares who get hurt..

but as a person who has always been careful, i think it’s about time i let loose..

see? this is what pain can do.. make you talk nonesense.. circles.. going no where.. just to avoid the reality that you lost.. you’re pained.. you’re rejected.. you’re alone..

hmmm.. alone.. i like that.. i like that a lot..

heart

Posted by unfaithfulheart at 5:00 pm | permalink | Add comment

DAY 3

November 12, 2009

111209@223pm

lunch with good friends.. ate a lot.. and of course, never forget the meds and vitamins.. how many do i have to take again? forgot.. i lost count.. granted, i’d drink a whole bottle..

clocking is ticking.. closer and closer and closer to the date feared.. dang it.. if only i could skip through this meeting, i would’ve been in my room.. sulking in front of computer.. or tv.. or anything other than human beings that never fail to pry and ask questions that they either already know the answer, or they just ask so to show intent to listen but never actually cared..

they make me sick.. not the medications.. these people..

tick tock..

finally.. an hour-long goodbye.. in the car.. removing the mask.. heading home.. where i can be me.. bed.. tv.. stereo.. pc.. aahh.. pills.. sleeping time at noon.. and pray never to wake again..

heart

Posted by unfaithfulheart at 10:49 pm | permalink | Add comment

DAY 1 - Heart’s Diary

November 11, 2009

111109@8:39pm

tried to go to a place where i could find my faith.. got there, but was close.. so i went to a nice hilltop park and saw a great view of the city.. and a memorial park..

a question in mind.. “which spot would be great for me?” and i laughed at the idea..

went to dine and then played at the arcade.. had fun.. and when i was on my home, got reminded of the memorial.. or my reality.. of lost dreams.. of hopeless things..

back in my room.. pained.. tears.. finding a reason to move around.. clean my room.. do the laundry.. throw the trash.. do something.. anything at all..

silent tears.. and i heard my heart break one more time.. slower this time.. painfully..

i’ve just decided.. stand up and do the laundry.. for now, that’s the on thing my reality is allowing me to do.. and for now, that’s the only act i can do to prove that i still live..

saving this file.. saving the downloads.. shutting down the pc.. taking a deep breath one more time.. putting on the mask of a merry woman.. and now i’m ready to go out of my room.. pretend.. for awhile.. that while everybody has their own misery to tend, somehow, there’s something for me beyond the bend..

Heart